Very British Problems we completely identify with

If you’ve never come across Very British Problems then prepare to not get any work done for the rest of the day. We can’t get enough of Rob Temple and the way he manages to capture the unique perspective that our countrymen and women have on life and reduce it to one-liners that are universally funny.

Here are a few of our favourites…

Switching from ‘kind regards’ to ‘regards’ as a warning that you’re dangerously close to losing your temper.

Ah, the passive aggressive email sign off. We know it well. And may have used it on occasion ourselves. Brits are polite; we just can’t help it. Even if we’re quite seriously naffed off.

“We should really start thinking about making a move” – Translation: We’ve been trying to leave for many hours

This, this and a thousand times this. Especially at the end of an impossibly long meeting. Or afternoon tea with an elderly relative. If your other half utters these words, even if their tone is relaxed, check their eyes – you’ll almost certainly see “get me out of here now!” burning deeply within them, in which case you really do need to make that move.

Trains delayed due to:

– Wrong kind of sun

– Ominous cloud

– Slightly damp leaf

– Chilly track

– Suspicious gravel

– Sarcastic swan

Bloody swans.

“Could I just grab you for two secs?”

I’m literally holding a sandwich to my face, please go away until the sandwich is gone.

Sandwiches are important, they should not be interrupted. Also, reducing the word ‘seconds’ to ‘secs’ is awkward. Especially when combined with the verb ‘grab’.

“Let’s agree to disagree.” Translation: You’re wrong, but I’m tired.

We Brits don’t like argue to much. I mean, it’s all terribly awkward, isn’t it, conflict. And no one likes a stalemate. Far better to whip out this truce card, even if we both know what it really means.

How to exit a window seat:

– Lean forward

– Gently touch headrest or bag

– Whisper “sorry”

– If procedure fails, stay on train forever

We once ended up in Cornwall because the lady in the aisle seat was asleep. Note to self: always avoid the window seat where possible.

And here are a few of our own…

Muttering vague apologies about allergies and dust mites when asked to retrieve something from the archive room.

Well, archive rooms are scary. They’re where paper, moths and dreams go to die. Thankfully, we don’t actually have this problem ourselves – our storage warehouse is clean, temperature controlled and neatly filled with barcoded boxes so we can always find what we’re looking for without leaving a trail of breadcrumbs.

Looking around in blank terror when your boss asks you to scan something and email it to a client.

Seriously, photocopiers have gotten really sophisticated in recent years. Which is great, obviously, but it does mean that you need a specialist NVQ to figure out which buttons to press if you want anything more complex than a mono copy of a single sided document. Luckily, we’re sort of geeky about copiers and scanners and such like. Why not let us handle it, hey? You go have a nice cup of tea.

Needing an important file that only Marjorie can find, the very moment Marjorie clocks out for a two week walking holiday in the Lake District.

And Marjorie is not the kind of person who takes a mobile phone with her on a country ramble. We’ve heard this kind of sad tale on so many occasions. Although not from our clients. Their records are safely stored with us and we can get them a scanned, copied or original version pretty much instantly, even if it is the summer holidays. Worth thinking about.

The meditative effect of feeding confidential waste into the shredder… followed by the moment of fear as you remember that episode of Silent Witness when they managed to piece the strips back together and get the bad guy.

Not all shredders are created equal. Ours cross shred, making confetti rather than strips. And then we pulp the confetti, so you literally couldn’t piece it back together if you tried. Clever, right?

To find out more about our document storage, document scanning or secure data destruction services, get in touch today.

5 classic summer disasters and how to avoid them

Scan Film or Store - 5 summer disasters and how to avoid themAh the summer. A joyous time, full of sunshine and happiness and ice cream cones and laughing children. Or not, as the case may be. Call us old codgers if you will but we can’t help but see the potential disadvantages of this supposedly splendid season – the lurking disasters that threaten to strike at any time without warning.

Here are a few you may find familiar…

1) The holiday jealousy heart attack

Facebook is officially bad for your health. As are Instaphoto, Twitpic and Snapchatter (did we get those right??). Throughout the summer, social media is stuffed with pictures from around the world – Mauritius, Gran Canaria, the Seychelles – all golden sands and blue skies, cocktails with little umbrellas and, worst of all, golden brown “look at me, I’m on holiday!” hotdog leg photos. When all you’ve got to look forward to is seven long nights at Butlins, it’s enough to give you a heart condition.

Solution: Defriend anyone who is venturing beyond the shores of our little island and drink colourful cocktails until you start to feel better.

2) The day the charcoal runs out

After weeks of rain the sun has finally made an appearance – time to fire up the barbecue! Only you haven’t got any charcoal. No problem. There’s a garage round the corner. Oh, they’re sold out. Never mind, the supermarket usually has some. Hm, not today though. Several futile attempts later you are forced to grill your sausages and chicken wings in the oven, leaving them in there for far longer than necessary in order to get that authentic burnt taste (it’s not the same though, is it?).

The solution: Stock up now. It’s the only way. Fill your shed, the cupboard under your stairs, whatever space you can find. You can always sell the excess to your neighbours for a profit later.

3) The ‘where the heck is that $*@# document?!’ moment

You can guarantee it: every summer without fail, just as the office is starting to resemble the Marie Celeste, a client will ring up demanding some important old report or other essential document that was archived months ago. And because Marjorie is on holiday and she’s the only one who understands the filing system (or is brave enough to venture into the storage room) your hands are tied. Which is not going to go down well with the client. Or your line manager.

Solution: Dispense with Marjorie! Not literally, obviously. Just ensure you don’t need her to find stuff for you by getting us to take care of your archives. We use a clever barcoding system in our custom built storage facility in Bridgwater so that we can find any document pretty much instantaneously, and we can deliver them back to you within 24 hours either as a scanned copy or in original hard copy.

4) The misjudging of the exact strength of the sun

This is England. It rains in the summer. Except when it doesn’t. Then we’re both excited and bewildered by the ability to venture outside without the need for socks or an emergency umbrella (just in case). All of that sunshine can go to our heads a bit. We haven’t got used to putting suncream on yet, we weren’t expecting to have to use it unless we unexpectedly won a free trip to Dubai. So inevitably, on that first day when the thermometer creeps above 20C, we burn. And then spend the rest of the summer peeling and wearing factor 50.

5) The double booking of the village fete and the Wimbledon final

Wimbledon. It’s a British institution. Like the Queen’s speech, pubs and spotted dick. Missing the final is unacceptable. And yet you promised Doris that you’d run the tombola stall at the village fete that weekend. You really should have checked the date more closely but the WI ladies were looking at you so expectantly…

Solution: Switch with Mabel and offer to bake a few cakes for the tea stand. If that doesn’t work, make a generous donation to the church roof fund and all will be forgiven.

So there we have it. Five foolproof ways to avoid common British summer disasters this year.

If you do need a hand with your document storage, scanning, data conversion or destruction this summer, give us a call and we’ll be pleased to help.

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